My birthday has come and gone

I have to admit I didn’t do so great If with keeping my promise to post daily for one year. But it was fun to give it a try and see what I would write about. I’m also relieved it’s over now because it wasn’t very fulfilling in the end. I learned that I’m simply not a daily commitment type of gal. I’d rather show up when I truly feel driven to share something. Perhaps it has something to do with my honest nature. Authenticity is important.

But anyway, if you’re reading this: thanks for showing up here and I hope you’ll find value in the pages of my website ✨

My birthday is around the corner

I can’t wait for this year of guilt to be over. the guilt over not showing up to my blog everyday as I promised myself. I still hope to write more, but perhaps in a more focused way, in the future. Wish me luck!

A couple of things…

Thoughts running wild through my mind. I’m nearing the end of my promise to make daily journal entries. I’ve shown up to my personal journal almost daily, but the extra step of signing in to my website dashboard to write something here seems too much of a roadblock for me to remain consistent. I’m not one to break promises, but I just couldn’t keep it up. I’m learning to embrace my imperfections and accepting that I too can let others and myself down. It’s ok.

I don’t share much about my financial struggles. People seem to find it easy to share about there financial successes, but you don’t hear that much about when things are not so affluent. While I’m not swimming in abundance (yet) I do want to note that I’m always amazed at the more subtle ways in which the universe gives me gifts of generosity. Like when I run into family at a cafe and they offer to treat me a meal instead me being limited to my decaf beverage. I’m surrounded. by generous people who make my “struggling artist” lifestyle a little more bearable. And trading services for goods also goes a long way. So might not be able to afford the fee of the fundraising rock concert, but I can offer my photo services in lieu for entrance.

I get around, but I’d be lying if I said I’m not dreaming of the day when money flows to me in abundance. I’d love to taste the kind of freedom where I can travel at my leisure or simply treat someone else to a meal instead of the other way around.

It seems like an eternal battle between sacrificing money for creative freedom, and selling your time and soul just to make money. Sometimes I wish I had done things differently earlier on in life. But then again, was drowning in alcohol until I turned 25. When I sobered up, just being sober was the accomplishment of my life. All my efforts went towards just surviving.

It’s a different kind of life. But I feel like I’m ready to start thriving instead of just surviving. But how?

It’s time for an entry!

A month away from the pages… that’s long even for me!

It’s been a busy period. I blame it on the 48 hour film project I participated in. A happy excuse thus. It’s been great working with talented people on a short film, despite the crazy deadline! It has catapulted me into riding the wave of momentum. On to the next short film. This time with a reasonable deadline.

But that’s not what I came here to write about. I wanted to share that despite being almost two months caffeine free, I get these powerful cravings like the one I’m having right now. I miss the coffee buzz. And let me tell you, it is not unlike the way I used to miss the alcohol buzz back in early sobriety. Coffee is a powerful drug. And life without it needs some getting used to. I won’t be one to downplay it.

But this too shall pass. Looking forward to when the cravings subside.

Ciao

Help!

I have about ten different book ideas in my head and I don’t know how to start!

I’m feeling excited and motivated, but I need to narrow my focus so that I will actually get one done at a time. My memoirt will be revised soon. but in the meantime, I’m working on an HSP daily reflections book. Prioritize!

Oops!

Now that I’m coffee-free I’m even more sensitive to caffeine. The other day I went to bed on time so that I could wake up refreshed. But as I lay in bed my mind was racing. Even meditating didn’t help to get me to fall asleep. Then it hit me, I’d had some coka cola that day! I jumped online and learned that cola had about half the amount of caffeine of a regular cup-a-joe. I mean I always knew it had caffeine, but it never affected me much when I was drinking two cups of coffee a day. But now it kept me up!

Cola was one of my few remaining guilty pleasures. but alas, I think it has to go. Because remaining caffeine free is too important to me. And I mean, it took me an hour longer than usual to fall asleep!

2 weeks without coffee!

I did it! I’m still caffeine free!

It was a painful detox with unexpected symptoms. The headache was actually less intense than anticipated. But the whole body muscle/joint aches!! That took me by surprise. It even awoke me in the middle of the night and kept me up for hours, kind of like restless leg syndrome. I’m going to share a blog post bout the whole process soon, but today I’m overjoyed to have made it for two whole weeks. Life already feels better!

wow

The developmental editor of my memoir has reached out with her suggested notes! There is now, the moment before I hear what she thinks and there will be the moment after. I’d like to hold on to the moment before just a bit longer, because everything will be different after. I will get a true sense of how publishable my book will be… its potential.

Caffeine free

Day 3 without caffeine. It’s pretty amazing how it happened. First, I set out to download some inspirational life-altering books. or that was the hope at least, that they would greatly transform everything about me for the better. I started with Shakti Gawain’s “Living in the light”. somewhere almost at the end of the book Shakti mentions the devastating effects that caffeine has on your “channel”. As in, it blocks the flow of universal energy so you feel numb, deadness and lack of energy. Then I said it out loud to my friend who was sitting with me in that moment that now I have yet another reason to quit coffee. I didn’t say I will quit tomorrow. I didn’t make any promises I knew I couldn’t keep. Because I’ve tried to quit many times. I even succeeded once, for a whole month. But it still sucked after a month. I got passed the headache phase but the fatigue phase wasn’t letting up. I probably should hav stuck with it longer but my resolve had waned.

As an HSP I struggle a lot with energy levels. I always feel like I should be able to do more in a day. Coffee gets me going in the morning. I usually only have two cups, and only in the morning. But the energy it gives me is a restless kind of energy. I get a bit of a high form it. It tends to make me feel over excited and if I overdo it, even jittery. And aferwards there is the inevitable crash. After the caffeine’s peaked out, I dip into a zombie like state. “Need bed, now!” I felt like I might even be suffering from adrenal fatigue. My instinct was telling me that coffee was more bad for me than it was good. I know something had to give. And besides, if I ever want to get pregnant, I might as well start practicing no coffee now.

I’ve given up alcohol. I’ve even given up nicotine. So why has it taken me this long to give up coffee? The answer to that is simple: the negative side effects of coffee are a lot more subtle. It’s a more innocent drug so the urgency to quit is much less. And of course there’s the ritual around drinking coffee. The art of making it, the cafe’s where you meet with friends or colleagues to indulge in a cup. The whole culture, you know. And anyways, I’ve tried to commit to quitting many times after that first attempt, but the more I promised to quit, the harder I’d latch on. For example: I’d stop buying ground coffee and tell myself that after this batch is finished, I’d quit. But as the grounds dropped below a certain level, I’d start getting panicky. I’m convinced this is my addiction gene, because it was no different with alcohol. So if promising to quit was having the adverse effect, how would I ever succeed?

I even got the point where I figured, well, maybe I’ll just be a coffee drinker the rest of my life. I started looking up the benefits of coffee. “Powerful antioxidant”! Well there you go, where else would I get my antioxidant form if I’d give it up?! “Mental acuity”, “Potentially slow down dementia”, I mean what more do I need?! And besides, the last time I quit, my energy levels didn’t improve so maybe my body is just made for coffee.

But deep down I knew differently. My instincts kept whispering to me: There is a better way. So right after reading “Living in the light” I resolved to give it an honest attempt. I suppose I committed to a life without caffeine, though I had no idea when or how I would attain that. I had already drunk coffee that day so all I knew was “not today”. That gave me a sense of relief. And then I didn’t think much more about it.

Then, something completely unexpected happened. The next morning I awoke. I walked into my kitchen where I have my coffee paraphernalia and it suddenly hit me: I don’t need coffee today! Like a brick from the sky, the obsession had been removed. I’ve heard people share about a similar experience with drugs or alcohol, but I never thought it could happen to me. It’s as if the previous day’s reading had planted a seed whish grew overnight. And just like that I was ready to quit.

but there’s a couple of things I’d like to add. I knew that I’d get restless if suddenly my morning ritual was turned upside down. So I still made myself a warm beverage, hold the caffeine. And I still went to my usual cafe afterwards, but ordered a decaf instead. That way I was kind tricking my body into believing that it was still getting its fix. And this way I could prevent the restlessness that would have otherwise consumed me. I’m a little concerned that I’ll soothe the cravings for caffeine with food, as I had done in early recovery from alcohol. But so far maintaining my usual ritual has proved helpful. And one other thing that I believe plays a big role in why it feels different this time it that I now have a steady mindfulness and meditation practice. I already have a more calm baseline because of it and I am more equipped to deal with the restlessness and irritability that creeps up as I go through withdrawal. And whereas first the headaches were a major impediment, I now use the same meditation and breathing practices to work my way through those as well. Surprisingly the headaches are much less than the previous time I quit. It’s especially surprising since I’m on my menstrual period at the same time! But who knows, maybe that’s actually the best time to quit an old bad habit (for women) lol.

I’m now on day three. Day one and two were surprisingly effortless. I had such a sense of calmness and mental clarity. But I also decided to pamper myself for optimal success. Staying in bed reading more than usual and not stressing about not getting as much work done.

Day two I went rock climbing in the afternoon. I worried how that would go for my headache. Interestingly it lifted my headache a bit and I felt much better afterwards.

Day three, today, I woke up with less mental clarity and more restlessness than the previous days. So I did a meditation before coming out the cafe where I’m writing this. My mind has settled a bit now. I’m trying to tune in and figure if it’s a rush of energy that I’m experiencing or a lack of energy. Sometimes it’s hard to tell, because the end result is fuzzy thinking all the same. But I think that in the past I have mistakenly assumed it was always a lack of energy and I’m thinking now I need a new approach. If it is an exceeding influx of energy what I need to be doing is to direct it with control. I need to focus the energy and find my harmony that way.

I know it’s only day three but it feels different this time. It feels right and it feels like it will stick. I no longer dream of having my coffee cheat day as I did the last time. I’m ready to give it up and have tools in my toolkit now to help me get through it. I guess simply put, I was just ready this time.

And now I’m deeply looking forward to how my natural energy will balance off after a couple of weeks without articifially induced energy that left my body with toxins to break down. I can’t wait!

So many options where to begin…

I’m string at my tasks ahead, paralyzed by not knowing where to start.

Which ideas do I want to forge ahead with to bring to fruition first?

Which will get me enough income so I don’t have to keep dipping into my savings?

Will I ever feel financially stable?

The anxiety increases and in turn so does the mental paralysis.

Now I must see a way out of this vicious cycle. Why can’t I he both a creative and be financially stable? Surely there must be a way! Even with the limited resources on this forsaken island.