Day 3 without caffeine. It’s pretty amazing how it happened. First, I set out to download some inspirational life-altering books. or that was the hope at least, that they would greatly transform everything about me for the better. I started with Shakti Gawain’s “Living in the light”. somewhere almost at the end of the book Shakti mentions the devastating effects that caffeine has on your “channel”. As in, it blocks the flow of universal energy so you feel numb, deadness and lack of energy. Then I said it out loud to my friend who was sitting with me in that moment that now I have yet another reason to quit coffee. I didn’t say I will quit tomorrow. I didn’t make any promises I knew I couldn’t keep. Because I’ve tried to quit many times. I even succeeded once, for a whole month. But it still sucked after a month. I got passed the headache phase but the fatigue phase wasn’t letting up. I probably should hav stuck with it longer but my resolve had waned.

As an HSP I struggle a lot with energy levels. I always feel like I should be able to do more in a day. Coffee gets me going in the morning. I usually only have two cups, and only in the morning. But the energy it gives me is a restless kind of energy. I get a bit of a high form it. It tends to make me feel over excited and if I overdo it, even jittery. And aferwards there is the inevitable crash. After the caffeine’s peaked out, I dip into a zombie like state. “Need bed, now!” I felt like I might even be suffering from adrenal fatigue. My instinct was telling me that coffee was more bad for me than it was good. I know something had to give. And besides, if I ever want to get pregnant, I might as well start practicing no coffee now.

I’ve given up alcohol. I’ve even given up nicotine. So why has it taken me this long to give up coffee? The answer to that is simple: the negative side effects of coffee are a lot more subtle. It’s a more innocent drug so the urgency to quit is much less. And of course there’s the ritual around drinking coffee. The art of making it, the cafe’s where you meet with friends or colleagues to indulge in a cup. The whole culture, you know. And anyways, I’ve tried to commit to quitting many times after that first attempt, but the more I promised to quit, the harder I’d latch on. For example: I’d stop buying ground coffee and tell myself that after this batch is finished, I’d quit. But as the grounds dropped below a certain level, I’d start getting panicky. I’m convinced this is my addiction gene, because it was no different with alcohol. So if promising to quit was having the adverse effect, how would I ever succeed?

I even got the point where I figured, well, maybe I’ll just be a coffee drinker the rest of my life. I started looking up the benefits of coffee. “Powerful antioxidant”! Well there you go, where else would I get my antioxidant form if I’d give it up?! “Mental acuity”, “Potentially slow down dementia”, I mean what more do I need?! And besides, the last time I quit, my energy levels didn’t improve so maybe my body is just made for coffee.

But deep down I knew differently. My instincts kept whispering to me: There is a better way. So right after reading “Living in the light” I resolved to give it an honest attempt. I suppose I committed to a life without caffeine, though I had no idea when or how I would attain that. I had already drunk coffee that day so all I knew was “not today”. That gave me a sense of relief. And then I didn’t think much more about it.

Then, something completely unexpected happened. The next morning I awoke. I walked into my kitchen where I have my coffee paraphernalia and it suddenly hit me: I don’t need coffee today! Like a brick from the sky, the obsession had been removed. I’ve heard people share about a similar experience with drugs or alcohol, but I never thought it could happen to me. It’s as if the previous day’s reading had planted a seed whish grew overnight. And just like that I was ready to quit.

but there’s a couple of things I’d like to add. I knew that I’d get restless if suddenly my morning ritual was turned upside down. So I still made myself a warm beverage, hold the caffeine. And I still went to my usual cafe afterwards, but ordered a decaf instead. That way I was kind tricking my body into believing that it was still getting its fix. And this way I could prevent the restlessness that would have otherwise consumed me. I’m a little concerned that I’ll soothe the cravings for caffeine with food, as I had done in early recovery from alcohol. But so far maintaining my usual ritual has proved helpful. And one other thing that I believe plays a big role in why it feels different this time it that I now have a steady mindfulness and meditation practice. I already have a more calm baseline because of it and I am more equipped to deal with the restlessness and irritability that creeps up as I go through withdrawal. And whereas first the headaches were a major impediment, I now use the same meditation and breathing practices to work my way through those as well. Surprisingly the headaches are much less than the previous time I quit. It’s especially surprising since I’m on my menstrual period at the same time! But who knows, maybe that’s actually the best time to quit an old bad habit (for women) lol.

I’m now on day three. Day one and two were surprisingly effortless. I had such a sense of calmness and mental clarity. But I also decided to pamper myself for optimal success. Staying in bed reading more than usual and not stressing about not getting as much work done.

Day two I went rock climbing in the afternoon. I worried how that would go for my headache. Interestingly it lifted my headache a bit and I felt much better afterwards.

Day three, today, I woke up with less mental clarity and more restlessness than the previous days. So I did a meditation before coming out the cafe where I’m writing this. My mind has settled a bit now. I’m trying to tune in and figure if it’s a rush of energy that I’m experiencing or a lack of energy. Sometimes it’s hard to tell, because the end result is fuzzy thinking all the same. But I think that in the past I have mistakenly assumed it was always a lack of energy and I’m thinking now I need a new approach. If it is an exceeding influx of energy what I need to be doing is to direct it with control. I need to focus the energy and find my harmony that way.

I know it’s only day three but it feels different this time. It feels right and it feels like it will stick. I no longer dream of having my coffee cheat day as I did the last time. I’m ready to give it up and have tools in my toolkit now to help me get through it. I guess simply put, I was just ready this time.

And now I’m deeply looking forward to how my natural energy will balance off after a couple of weeks without articifially induced energy that left my body with toxins to break down. I can’t wait!