Think back for a moment to the very first time you experienced shame.

Chances are, it's still a vivid memory, even though it was a long time ago. For me, it was in pre-k when my curiosity prompted me to pull a boy's curly hair, and as punishment I had to stand facing a wall for the remainder of recess.

As human beings, we learn early on what it's like to feel ashamed. It's such a powerful and painful feeling that we also learn to avoid it at all costs. Some even say that shame is more hurtful than grief. Have you ever considered what purpose shame serves?

Shame vs. Guilt

Let's first clarify the difference between shame and guilt, as they might seem similar at first glance. Guilt is about feeling bad about something you did, but shame is about feeling bad about who you are. It goes deeper, affecting your entire being.

The Power of Shame

Why is shame such a powerful emotion? And how is it different for HSP’s (highly sensitive person). Dr. Elaine Aron, who coined the term HSP, suggests that HSPs experience shame more profoundly. This is expected, considering that we feel everything more deeply due to our sensory processing sensitivity. We are also more aware of what might cause us shame, as we think many steps ahead and are extra cautious about avoiding it. Therefore, shame plays a more significant role in our lives.

What does shame feel like? 

Elaine writes, "Shame is an emotion, like fear or grief. It is perhaps the most painful feeling there is, registered in the brain like strong physical pain."

It's as if you want to hide or disappear, like you'll never recover or save face or as if you are doomed. It's a deep and painful emotion. From a survival perspective, shame serves to keep us in good standing with our community, even though it can feel devastating. It has its value.

The Pitfalls of Avoiding Shame

Because shame is so painful, we go to great lengths to avoid situations that cause it, often to our detriment. We monitor our behavior to the point where we rob ourselves of spontaneity, becoming disingenuous. We are preoccupied with other people's perceptions of us, playing into what we think they expect us to be or do. This process can make us lose touch with our authentic selves.

Especially in today's society, there are many aspects that can make us feel ashamed. Whether it's not being truthful, not conforming to societal norms, or struggling with personal challenges, we can easily succumb to shame.

Personal Reflection

Until I sat down to write this piece about shame, I didn't realize how significant a role shame has played in my life. I thought I didn't care much about what others think of me, but I am more self-conscious than I realized (I feel like there’s some irony there...) This self-awareness has made it challenging to be present in the moment, as I've become hyper-aware of my mannerisms, speech, movement, basically all expressions.

Remedy: Self-Awareness & Self-Compassion

So how can we live our lives freely, unrestricted by the overwhelming bounds of unnecessary shame? It's easy to say, "Just get over it and stop caring what people think," but we know that's easier said than done. Elaine advises HSPs to dive deep into their shame, understanding when they first felt it, what prompted it, and which emotions or behaviors trigger shame. By understanding your shame, you can begin to release its hold on your life.

Shameful Thoughts 

As humans, we may have impulses that we should not act on because they would harm others. Most of us have these impulses, and there's no need to feel shame about them. You can acknowledge these thoughts as part of the human experience without judgment.

Talking About Shame

Discussing feelings of shame may seem intimidating, but shining light on what you've kept to yourself can help reduce its weight. There's no need to feel ashamed about feeling shame, as this only perpetuates a downward spiral. Sharing your experiences with someone you trust can be liberating.

So, what role has shame played in your life? Are you struggling with it, or have you learned how to overcome its hold on your life?

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope you found it insightful. Feel free to share your thoughts or experiences with shame in the comments.

Wishing you a shame-free day!