FROM YOURSELF

Why is it so easy for some people to be in an open relationship while others would literally kill over infidelity?

I’m a different person when I’m single. If you get to know me with romantic interest, you will get to know someone who is spontaneous, inspired, open-minded, and non-judgmental. As the relationship develops and it becomes clear that we are in it for the long run, something begins to shift.

It’s not surprising that I begin to worry about the future when we start committing to life together. But I don’t understand why I suddenly feel less free and half human. My spirit diminishes. And I find myself often worrying about my partner's actions and choices rather than focusing on my own continued growth. Soon, my spontaneity fades away. Before I know it, I'm unhappy most of the time. I worry about how I will spend the rest of my life in this condition.

Did the other person change over time? Did they not change enough? Did they make promises at the beginning that they were not able to keep? Did they lag in all aspects of life? Did they lose respect for me? Did I lose respect for them?

Yes, and yes to all of the above.

Which begs the question: why can I not continue to love unconditionally? I know the reason. It’s when I catch someone in their first little white lie. That’s when my faith in them breaks. My respect for them dwindles. I have a hard time accepting anything but the truth. Is that a flaw? I’m starting to wonder if that’s an impossible expectation: Just because I’m so blatantly honest doesn’t mean that others will value the same principles of honesty.

Crippling honesty

I keep wondering, if only I could accept their dishonesty, then I would not feel so betrayed and bitter. I might be able to continue being free within the relationship. But how? How do I let go of a value upon which everything is built in my mind? How do I defy my deepest instincts? And even if I accomplish this impossible feat, what’s to keep me from sending all my other instincts astray from the mere act of overriding this one?

I just want to be able to hold on to the parts of me that I like the most. And I really like who I am when you first get to know me. I’m authentic. I don’t sugarcoat the hard stuff but I balance it off with my sense of humor and wit. If your energy strikes the right chord with me, then we can make the most amazing symphony together. But over time, our instrument keeps falling out of tune. And it feels like I’m the only one bothering to tune it. Why do I feel so alone in this plight? Why does it seem like I’m always the one drawing the short end of the straw? I just want to make beautiful music too, just like you. Why let me do all the maintenance alone? I cannot carry the weight of two.

Walking away from the relationship is rarely the answer

The same patterns will be repeated. Working on my character defects helps, to an extent. But not if the other person does not also do the same. 

A part of me realizes that in the getting-to-know-each-other phase, things will always be more magical. Our pheromones and oxytocin influence the way we view and treat each other. It makes us more forgiving. But does that mean that we have to settle for complacency once those fade? Shouldn't we make a conscious choice to keep putting in the effort?

The trick is to have zero expectations from your partner

But there is a line that, when crossed, you are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. So how do we marry those concepts? We all have a baseline of expectations. Like expecting to be treated with respect. If not enough respect is given, then it’s easy to say: just walk away. But you know that it will be the same with the next person, and the one after that too, plus you will have to get comfortable with somebody's aura all over again. Then really, the option that remains is: work on making it work with this one, or give up on intimate, committed love altogether. I’ve tried to be open minded about an open relationship. To no avail. For me the bond with another being is so sacred and deep that I can only experience it honestly with one person at a time. Or rather I should say: open relationships are more about seeking sex, not intimacy. And to me sex is meaningless without the deepest, purest spiritual connection. 

I also keep thinking that I must find the answers within myself

It’s not about the other person at all. I am aching to feel happy, light, and free. Perhaps if I throw all my efforts into inner healing and reflecting on what that freedom truly looks like for me, I will get there regardless of who I’m having a partnership with.

It’s just that… I’m the kind of empath who has not learned to block out other people’s energies and desires. Sometimes I literally cannot reach my thoughts when I’m in the presence of someone who’s a strong projector. Half the things I say are their thoughts. I’ve lost track of the number of times a foreign thought entered my mind, and when I said it out loud, my partner would announce that he was just thinking that a moment before I said it.

This adds another obstacle

How can I focus on myself when I'm being thought-pushed? I’ve tried the types of meditations where you protect yourself by a dome of bright light and ground yourself, etc., but they have not made a difference.

I will keep on meditating on this desire to be free, for now. Because I don’t believe that walking away from the relationship is the answer. But it’s making me restless. And I find myself acting out in unexpected ways. If I’m not careful, I will do something reckless. And that’s not the person that I strive to be. I want to live deliberately, and I want to inspire positivity.